focusing on details

After yesterday’s gratitude post—which covered some major things—it will take a bit more time for me to come up with five things that I’m thankful for. Specifically, I’m going to take more time to be thankful for the little things. There was a time in my life when I didn’t think that the little things were that important, but a dear friend of mine pointed out that they were, and from then on I’ve encountered many a moment when I’ve come to agree. They add up, positive and negative, and it’s so much easier to get hung up on the bad stuff.

I am thankful for:

1. Having the opportunity to go out with friends/co-workers and go bowling. I had a wonderful time and we all had lots of laughs. I was better than I thought I might be; my highest score was 80-something, I think, and, while I have a lot of room for improvement, it’s something I found I want to pursue as a very casual hobby!
2. Knowing how to cook. I’m currently staying at a hotel that has a kitchenette and it’s great to be able to cook meals for myself. Not only am I saving money but I’m also eating healthier than I would be if I had to order out all the time.
3. Hotel fitness rooms. Being able to get a weighted workout in without having to get a foreign gym daypass is a blessing. Also, being able to get my cardio in without having to go outside in the cold when I failed to pack warmer workout clothes is also marvelous.
4. Financial stability. I have a decent-paying job and so does Scott. I appreciate not being as stressed as I used to be earlier in my life when I was struggling a bit more to manage finances.
5. My intelligence. I’m not always right, or even half the time, but I’m grateful to be able to take new information and come to an updated conclusion without too much internal fuss. I don’t generally hang on to previous beliefs too hard if there is new evidence that disproves them. I’m happy to be able to overcome my emotional attachment to ideas when presented with new data.

 

reflection

Here we go again! I’m ready to start posting anew.

Today, I want to focus on things that I’m thankful for. I have a lot, and I feel so very lucky to have met the people that I have in my life. I’m thankful for:

1. The amazingly caring, thoughtful, handsome man I’m going to marry, Scott. Sure, sometimes his over-analytical approach makes me grind my teeth, but if all I have to “deal with” is him being careful, I consider myself extremely fortunate.
2. My job and everything the company I work for has done for me. I was trusted to be the first telecommuter in my department and I will always be grateful for being granted the opportunity. I feel it’s worked out pretty well and I hope it’s paved the way for others in a similar situation to also be given the same liberty.
3. My predominantly happy-go-lucky attitude. I have worries and ride the rollercoaster of life, but overall I feel good about everything and how things have turned out. There were several moments in my life where I could’ve crashed and burned, but everything has worked out for the best. A positive outlook and perseverance to march forward has always been a strong suit of mine and I’m glad to have developed throughout my lifetime that way.
4. My able body. One of my mantras is, “There is one thing that I have complete control over that I can raise to greatness: my body.” This isn’t true for everyone and I recognize that in this simple way I lead a charmed life. I can run, jump, rollerskate, talk, and sing, when there are people who can’t. I hope one day I can do those things to help the people that can’t for any reason.
5. My diverse group of friends. From the ones I met in my childhood to the gamers and MU*ers to the badass derby girls; I am thankful for every one of them. Even a brief chance meeting can change a life and I hope that I have or that I can one day reciprocate the positive changes that they’ve made in mine.

thinking of things i’d like to do with scott/someone

- day hiking
- race cars
- mountain biking
- camping ✓
- skydiving
- kayaking and/or rafting
- paddle boarding
- gun range ✓
- jogging ✓
- hang gliding
- rock climbing
- horseback riding
- backpacking
- find a waterfall
- nature photography
- Grand Canyon hike/camping/backpacking
- ATV riding
- spelunking
- miniature golf ✓
- El Dorado Hot Spring
- Musical Instrument Museum ✓
- and more!

comma comma comma…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a social chameleon. I have always taken on traits of those around me, and not very often have I made an effort to come up with my own viewpoint of things, instead usually listening to whomever I trust most at that particular time in my life and taking it for granted that they were right. Or, in the very least, that I was loyal enough to them to back them up on their perspective when necessary.

More recently, I’m faced with the dilemma that I am more aware and more interested in being my own person and I’m facing quite a few growing pains. For one, it takes a lot of effort to be informed and I’ve spent a lot of time being lazy about staying informed. I am a slow reader—I have a decent vocabulary, I just read as if someone were reading it to me because I understand things better when someone is speaking to me—so that takes a long time. Generally speaking, I don’t talk to anyone about these types of issues. Or rather, I don’t talk to a variety of people about these types of issues. Why? I don’t know…

I’ve never been good at finding times to talk to people in person. I have never really been a leader in conversations. When do you bring something up? I don’t know. I’ve spent most of my life conversing via text, whether it be on Firan, ICQ, AIM, Facebook, etc.

I’m having some identity issues and, for some reason, I have a strong desire for some real, meaningful conversation. I have a huge desire for some kind of spark in life, something to ignite some passion about something. Anything. It amazes me that I am a living, breathing human being who cannot identify something I feel passionately about. Life should be passionate and full of warmth and excitement, and before someone tells me that life cannot always be that way, I would like to point out that someone already told me that and I believed them… and then I lost myself.

I was going to write an outline of the things that I’ve been thinking about lately and then write something up all clean and edited and what have you. I just realized though that this blog is supposed to be a stream of thoughts and words from my brain, so fuck it.

I’m not sure I’ll find my passion by meditating or actively thinking about it. I think, like finding someone who loves you, it just ends up happening. I also think, though, that I need to shed the negativity and move forward with the hope that something will light my fire soon. I need to be honest with myself and I need to stop trying to stuff a square sized solution into a star-shaped hole.

i figured something out

More recently, I’ve been lamenting the fact that I was happier when I was younger and that I was more carefree and generous and thoughtful. The other day I came to the realization that, while I was those things, I was also oblivious to the events happening around me. I was very much focused on one-on-one interactions and either consciously or subconsciously blocked out a lot of dramatic events that occurred. I don’t think I was aware enough to understand the impact that some of these events had on people, and perhaps should have had on me.

In short, life might be more stressful and hard now, but I am much, much more aware of the shit that’s going on. I’m not perfect and I’m not very shrewd, but I’m also not oblivious. I just have a lot of learning to do.

busy!

Right after I promised I would try to write in here every day, I picked up an old hobby that causes me to write every day elsewhere. Still, even when this old hobby was new, I managed regular upkeep on a LiveJournal. Here is where I can stream my personal thoughts and internal deliberations, which is really what this was intended for anyway. I like to document more emotional and existential things than goings on for the most part because going back and reading those entries gives me great insight into my state of being.

I’ve decided to take steps to address the anxiety I’ve developed over the past few years. It kind of a no-brainer, but even making the decision to move forward on that front is significant. I’m not sure what the solution/s is/are, but whatever comes, it’ll be worth it. Part of me just wants to smoke again, but that’s the part of me that wants an easy way out.

Still busy and distracted, but I wrote something!

a quick update

I’m trying to write in my blog more often, preferably every day. I’m not going to necessarily force it on days that I don’t feel I have anything to write about, not because I can’t think of anything but because I said so. That may change, so this first paragraph other than the first sentence is likely for naught. Moving on…

Scott and I pre-ordered our new phones: Samsung Galaxy SIII. I’m a little excited about getting mine, but Scott is super excited. It’s because I don’t quite grasp the level of upgrade this is; our phones are HTC Incredibles. Yes, the first generation Incredible from, like, 3 years ago. It’s a good phone that does what I need, though I can say that I’m looking forward to the upgraded camera and what not with the SIII. We should get them mid-July.

My ankle is feeling quite a bit better. There’s a bit of swelling on the outside in that pocket between the ankle and the heel, but I’ll ask the orthopedic surgeon’s PA on Tuesday about it. I think if it’s not causing me trouble, it’s probably not something to be terrible concerned with right now. I’ve got a love-hate relationship with crutches right now, and if I can start putting some weight on the foot starting Tuesday night, I’m sure it’ll end up being a hate-hate relationship. I probably should have foregone the awesome speediness that is the knee scooter in an effort to minimize the impact on my physical activity levels, but seriously, who can pass up a knee scooter? I totally speed around in that thing, and I’m kind of thinking it should be used even when no one has a broken ankle.

I am playing Firan again. It’s pretty cool. It’s changed a lot, as one would expect from a game where time passes and people make decisions that change things. It’s not a bad thing that things are different; it’s pretty much a new game with a vaguely familiar foundation. One of the reasons I’m trying to write here every night is because I need to exercise the writing muscles in my brain. When I played years ago, I know that I could be rather verbose. I’m working on condensing the way I write expressions and actions. I’m also working on not being too repetitive. In addition to writing blog entries, I’m trying to read more. That is going okay. I read a few pages from A Song of Ice and Fire which are pretty much exactly as I remember the opening episode for the HBO series, Game of Thrones. I appreciate his writing style and hope I can glean some good habits from it. If I can stick to reading, at least.

I’m not sure when I could find time for reading. It’s not that it’s not there, it’s that I manage my personal time horribly. I have tools to do better, and I can use them for a few days or even a few weeks, but eventually I stop and everything falls apart again. Well, “falls apart” is a strong set of words. Everything gets jumbled up again.

I can’t wait until I can start walking around without assistance. I feel like I have built up a lot of motivation and energy to be a whirlwind of doing throughout the house once I’m well enough.

Okay, that is too much thinking. I am tired. It’s almost 3am.

creativity

I had a good day today in regards to eating. At least, I came in right around my daily calorie goal and my macros were even close, and that’s nice. My protein was almost perfect and I need that right now since I’m healing. I also discovered that St. Dalfour blueberry spread is delicious with Greek yogurt.

Today, I’m going to stream my thoughts on creativity. I would say that I used to be more creative, though the more I think about it, the more I think that I still have the capacity to be creative, but I’m suppressing it with all of these self-esteem issues I’ve been struggling with for the past few years. I remember writing up characters for LARPs and even sit-down games that never came to fruition. Even then though, I was still self-conscious about what I created. But then I still created; my desire was not crushed by the thoughts of how people would judge the things I made.

It’s absurd to think that I am really the kind of person who could literally oppress my own self because other people have opinions. I generally pride myself on my ability to understand that people are different, diverse with their own thoughts, tastes, feelings, and subjectivity. I’m not sure why I’ve set myself aside like an outcast, unable to live by and be a part of the same perspective I view the world with.

I’m pretty sure that I’ve made myself into a person that’s difficult to get close to, and I think it’s because I don’t let myself try to get close to anyone else. Except Scott, but he’s a special case. I really, really, really want to be the kind of person who is open, welcoming, kind, trustworthy, trusting, and just awesome. I think I am that person, deep down inside, behind all of the shadows and gunk of self-loathing and self-mistrust and all of those bad, ugly self- words. I think I’ve let myself get caught up in how people judge and why people judge instead of just accepting that people will always judge everything, and in the end it’s how we judge ourselves that really matters.

i need to use this more often

I just read my last post from February. I have not lived up to my goal to stop berating myself. I am harder on myself than ever and experience deep despair whenever I make the most casual mistakes. It’s sad, and I want to be over it.

I miss being who I think I was years ago: outgoing, fun, kind, thoughtful, more confident in how I feel and who I was. I’m not sure what happened to me. Now, I’m anxious about everything and am almost constantly going over why I think so-and-so hates me. I’m not really sure it’s normal behavior, and I sure as hell do not believe it’s something I should accept as a fact of life.

Part of me wonders if a majority of these issues I’ve been having stem from being overweight. I was not overweight growing up. I was generally strong and athletic, if I remember correctly. I didn’t have the greatest endurance and was never good at long distance running, but that’s not the end all, be all of being athletic anyway. I’ve gained at least 40 pounds in the past 4–5 years and it’s disappointing. There are definitely self-esteem issues caused by being overweight, but of equal importance there are chemical imbalance issues that can be caused from being overweight.

I’m not saying that all skinny or physically fit people are the models of of being chemically balance and never have any issues. I am just saying that the extra fat can cause hormonal issues that otherwise would not develop. I should probably investigate other possibilities, and I will because it’s important, but the weight has got to come off. Slowly but surely, I am working on my weight. Slowly but surely, I am getting better at managing my food intake. I’ve been pretty good for a few days now. I’m hoping to draw something positive from this broken ankle and persevere to come back stronger.

I’m getting frustrated with myself about a variety of things, but not putting any serious energy into resolving them. Then, I get frustrated even more. I don’t know why I am having trouble just doing what needs to be done. Why is it that when I see a menu with perfectly good options on it, I flounder and go for the ol’ 1200+ calorie standby? There’s a lot of science on why people are overweight and why they overeat and how to lose weight, and the answer is “just keep trying”. I know, I know. Neural pathways, habits, history, genes, et cetera. I still don’t understand why, when I understand that eating a lot of shitty food (or too much normally healthy-for-you foods) will make me fat and derail my attempts to get back to a healthy weight, I still eat a lot of shitty food (or too much normally health-for-me foods). I keep thinking to myself,  ”Just… stop it!”

I’m tired of waiting for something in my brain to click. Choosing to eat healthy and maintaining a health weight really is a constant battle. I don’t even know if it really gets better insofar as temptation. I would guess it does since eating habits are just that: habits. Recarving pathways in the brain to make something regular and normal, such as eating until just full and boxing up the rest for later. Like quitting smoking. I still occasionally struggle with that one.

Chuggin’ and chargin’, I guess. I have a strong motivator to lose weight and get healthy: roller derby. Breaking my ankle has set me back at a rather inopportune time. I’ll probably miss out on a lot of opportunities in Season 10. In the long run, it’s okay. It’s more important that my ankle heal completely and be ready than for me to rush and fuck shit up worse.

in a dip

I made a new category in my blog called “Dips”. The first few ideas I came up with were “Bullshit” and “Whiney Baby Crap”. Obviously, my first few ideas were very negative, and ultimately I did not appreciate how they dismissed a chunk of emotions that are completely valid. I think too often we look down on gloomy feelings with disdain and perpetuate our inner hostility by hating that we feel crappy. It is completely okay to feel emotionally and/or mentally crummy. There are better ways to handle a dip in the roller coaster of life than self-loathing, something I have to remind myself of whenever I’m low.

So, I’m embracing my inimical dark cloud and writing about it. Writing openly and honestly always makes me feel better because it helps put things into perspective.

Yesterday, I was feeling way low all day. I didn’t have a lick of motivation to do anything. I was sitting like a slug at my computer, just clicking through mindless links. I recognized what I was doing and immediately began berating myself inwardly for being a lazy asshole. It’s so strange. I mean, it’s not strange because most people do it, but logically it’s strange. If a friend is in a bad mood, my reaction is to be encouraging, kind, funny—anything to lighten her mood. If I am in a bad mood, I tell myself that I have no reason and it’s stupid for me to feel useless or worthless. Then, get this, I tell myself that I am pathetic for feeling that way.

I know, everyone is their own worst critic. It still doesn’t excuse the behavior. It doesn’t make it better or okay as normal self-treatment. Moving forward, I am going to focus on being more positive within. It feels important. I think I may have read this somewhere, but I feel that if I can treat myself positively from within, I will have more drive and spirit to be more positive without. I want to be like Dee Troit in AZRD: amazingly supportive, outgoing, and always able to make people smile.

But, you know, in my own goofy and slightly awkward way.